Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

ㅤ

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.