Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.