I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
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Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
we’re gonna need another temp
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
ok like just. call me at this point
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick