I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”