I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
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judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare