Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

How dude HOW?!

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.