I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
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Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)