I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
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ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo