I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
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I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
Need WebMD
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!