Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

bags with threatening auras

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

whatcha thinkin bout

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

Our lord and savoury.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.