Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

What the hell happened in there??

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.