i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
yall want some gasoline milk
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My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports