I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Mouse
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.