I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
#SCOTUS one-star review
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
bro what is going on at twitter
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please