Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

Well. That’s not a good sign.

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

😆this is so true

Had to try this trend 😊

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.