Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

much to think about

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

Strange

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

never stops being funny

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?