I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
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Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Who chose this font
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I’m aging like a fine banana
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
the noise i just made
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.