I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum