I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
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It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me