I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
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I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
