I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
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Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
10/10 no notes
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready