I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
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When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
😭😭😭
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
