I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”