I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
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smh
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor