I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
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I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.