Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

absolute chaos

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.