I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
