Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.