Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist after every session

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT