Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

ME (calling my horse with no name):

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

My five year plan is a meteorite

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas: