Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

It’s that simple 👊🏻

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

Ah..makes sense now

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.