Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together