I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
You Might Also Like
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
adam and eve had first world problems
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I’m sorry…what?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.