I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
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Motel 6: We鈥檒l leave a light on.
Motel 6鈥檚 Dad: You will not.
Me: Still thinks I鈥檓 young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
There鈥檚 never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl鈥檚 cash*
COP: What do you think you鈥檙e doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it鈥檚 not delivery, it鈥檚 baby takeout.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Leave Twitter just because it鈥檚 lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I鈥檓 a public school teacher 馃槄
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you鈥檙e drunk.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.