I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
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[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me