I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
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Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
The glockness monster
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now