Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”