I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
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Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
So glad we cleared that up
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes