I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
me as a parent
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples