Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.