Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.