Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”

and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?