I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
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If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
sleeping beauty
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse