Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.