I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
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My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
181.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading