I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
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Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine