I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock