I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
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Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle