I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
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Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I feel seen
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.