I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
You Might Also Like
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*