I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
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You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Jesus Christ lmao
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down