@AJslackie2

I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.

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@Underchilde

I sure get a lot of compliments on my people skills for someone who flips off 10 people every day.

@stephenjmolloy

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

@CoachPSays

My toddler randomly handed me lotion and pointed to my feet.

I’ve never felt so loved and simultaneously disrespected in my life.

@SoVeryBritish

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

@Jagershot901

Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.

@therealeatwood

What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying

@hero_ofthenight

If I worked at Starbucks I’d pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time.

“I see you’re drinking 2%, is that because you think you’re fat?”

@Lmao

5 kinds of fear:

– panic
– terror
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”