doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
doctor: and how about this?
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.
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Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
God: you’re a dog.
God: the humans are gonna love you.
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].