the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
You Might Also Like
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
…żyje?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.