@AJslackie2
@Underchilde
I sure get a lot of compliments on my people skills for someone who flips off 10 people every day.
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@Underchilde
@stephenjmolloy
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
@CoachPSays
My toddler randomly handed me lotion and pointed to my feet.
I’ve never felt so loved and simultaneously disrespected in my life.
@SoVeryBritish
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
@Jagershot901
Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.
@therealeatwood
What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying
@SimplySnaccbar
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
@hero_ofthenight
If I worked at Starbucks I’d pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time.
“I see you’re drinking 2%, is that because you think you’re fat?”
@ShootyDoody
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
@Lmao
5 kinds of fear:
– panic
– terror
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”