I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.

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I sure get a lot of compliments on my people skills for someone who flips off 10 people every day.


Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…


My toddler randomly handed me lotion and pointed to my feet.

I’ve never felt so loved and simultaneously disrespected in my life.


If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold


Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.


What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying


If I worked at Starbucks I’d pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time.

“I see you’re drinking 2%, is that because you think you’re fat?”


5 kinds of fear:

– panic
– terror
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”