I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.

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doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom


Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas


Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.


My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.


I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.


No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.


*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*



*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?


God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].