I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. šš
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I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
[After leaving Willy Wonkaās factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a toā
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes ācould you bake a pie?ā
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didnāt realise itās Saturday morning
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
All Iām saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Because Iām on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as youāre washing your hands
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and Iām like wow there are people who make their bed
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
The only time Iām happy that Iām short, is when Iām laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
i wonder why they stopped looking
me: did you know thereās a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, Iām not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what parāwhat did they name it after?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago Iā¦
Me: Donāt really, though.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
what if everythingās a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.