I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
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2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
it’s not been my year
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.