I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
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Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
Greeting humans vs their dogs
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.