I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
@funTweeters
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Finally a use for spoilers…
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
