I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.