I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
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I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
The French cow says MEUX…
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Not today.. 😂
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.