Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho