I might carry a baby with one hand.
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do horses think humans are hats
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
This makes total sense…
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?