I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
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Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.