I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
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I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.