I might give this a try 😏
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If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?