I might give this a try š
You Might Also Like
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
āSorry, could I just squeeze by?ā
<person doesnāt move an inch>
āThanksā
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! Youāre here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soonā¦
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I would move hell over six inches for you
[dinner at my parentsā]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: theyāre not your parents weirdo
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever againš
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
*first day as salsa dancer
āIām not cleaning this up.ā
Adding āNoted muralistā to Wile E. Coyoteās Wikipedia page.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
If I was a weather man Iād leak the weather early to pretty women
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoesā¦Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
To make sure I donāt cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and thatās all I want to talk about with women now.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg