I might give this a try đ
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I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: Weâre going where?
Sir this bag is too heavy, youâll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes âYouâre gonna need a bigger nun.â
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: Iâm a genie not a witch
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. Youâre going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
âShut up or Iâll eat your lunch.â Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Itâs like you donât appreciate this bag of toenails and I canât deal with this right now.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
canât wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[around a campfire]
Children: Youâre asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victimsâ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance movesâŚ
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Friend: Iâm visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case youâre wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about