I might give this a try 😏
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Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight