I might give this a try 😏
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My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.