I might give this a try 😏
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*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
S O O N
