I might give this a try 😏
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I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I need a headline like this
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?