I might give this a try 😏
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*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Boom, boom, ching!
