I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
the three branches of government
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE