I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
You Might Also Like
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
pls suprot
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
😂 amazing answer
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.