I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
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I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955