I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
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Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Fight
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination