I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
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Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
When your man makes a valid point
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting