I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
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I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
A drum solo but on your face.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.